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I feel that death is better then living and having to face all this nonsense.. Tuesday, February 19, 2008
I've nothing to say for today.I'm like really glad that exams are over,
So the 4 girls,
Michelle, Zahidah, Jehanne and me..
Went out together for the first time.
We were talking about making a pact for 10 yearts down the road.
For our friendship.
We said to keep in touch with each other no matter where we are heading towards.
Not only that,
we were like really having lots of fun.
I can't remembered when I had that much fun.
We were also mentioning that whoever was first to get married have to invite the rest of us to the ceremony.
The rest of us were to do the same thing,
But the one getting married first will have to treat us on a private holiday. xD
Haha..
Abit taking advantage of the first person to get married huh?
Then since we were like going in that direction,
We also said that we were to be the godparents of the children we might be having in the future.
Its really getting far-fletched huh?
I wonder if I can ever get to the age of 27 successfully.
I wanted to earn more and get a bunglow where I can stay alone or with Edah.
Just as long as I can get away from home.
Haha...
Since Edah and I have the sme ideas,
We can jolly well stay together.
Somehow,
I wondr if I canever reached to that age successfully.
There are bound to be some glitches and pain along te road.
I had to made a pact.
I wanted our friendship to be more than just being together.
I want our friendship to last longer.
I do not wish for the history to repeat itself whereby I'm always betrayed by the rest of my so-called 'friends'.
Friendship can be more of a substance than just pure talk right?
Reassuring myself works sometimes.
But it really was great fun hanging out with you guys.
I'll be sure to remember the times we had and I'll treasure the ring and our frienship^^.
Feeling the need to de-stress desperately; 4:00 AM;Y
Friday, February 15, 2008
She has a problem somewhere in her head.She has absolutely no idea why the hell is she emoing when she supposed to be happy.
She has friends to laugh and joke around with her.
She has him to talk to and stay together with.
She has family and a home to go to.
She has so many things,
People will say that she is fortunate, but unfortunatle that is not the case.
She is currently emo-ing deep inside her heart.
She have no idea how to tell others.
She does not kno what to do and hopes someone can help her.
She is so not suffering from depression.
She has parents that scold her for most of the things she does.
She has a brother that she love but can't stand.
She has so many friends but none is super close to her that she will confide everything in.
She is confiding bits and pieces of her life in different people.
She has the 'Once bitten, Twice shy" syndrome.
She is really scared that people will betray her feelings again, though she knows perfectly well that it will not happen with all her current friends.
However, she can't help but feel that way.
She as she thinks, is going nuts.
She can't do anything right.
She is having stress from exams till she even forgot to bring the 2-pin plug she borrowed from Jehanne back home.
She is really facin some problems with communiations too.
She can't get the jokes tat hr friends said too.
She crack some super lame jokes that no one understand.
She is obviously insane.
She just hopes that she will be worse after the surgery so that she can emo at home in bed.
In this way, she is able to go razy alone and end up killing herself.
Sometimes, that is what she is feeling.
She likes emo songs.
She likes the thought of death.
She is crazy.
She is definitely out of her mind.
All she wants is just to be by his side and emo.
She thinks she is emo-ish.
She will mug till she don't recognise anyone anymore.
She will mug and then, she will just give up on life and die.
She will just rot on the floor.
She will just decompose and fade into nothing.
Feeling the need to de-stress desperately; 5:42 AM;Y
Monday, February 11, 2008
Hmmm, was a little emo-ish today..Had my regular dose of headache and also my regular daily dose of quarrels with my mum.
Once again, she won whatever the issue was about behind the quarrels.
Imagine..she was practically quarreling with me because of clothes.
Not the wearing of clothes, but the washing of clothes.
Hais..
No idea how it started.
Merely the poor sot0ng was busy trying to remember the advantages and disadvantages of suppositiories and then she suddenly was lik screaming her head off.
And demanding that I stop whatever I'm doing to go and help her wash the darn clothes.
Heck, no idea why the hell I have to do that and then suddenly she was like cursing and swearing
Saying things like why the hell do I have to wear white clothes and why didn't i take care of my clothes when I'm wearing them.
Pissed off sia.
The problem is that she is not even washing my clothes by hand.
She is freaking washing my brother's white clothes.
And she nags at me, not him.
Biasness FTW..'wow'
hais..
Sets me off thinking.
Why the hell am I still in this house when apparently no one wants to have anything to do with me?
I mean, take a look at my mother.
She once said that I'm in the house so I got to help out.
I can't just stay at home and do nothing.
Because I'm a girl so I should help out in the house.
Because I'm the older sibling so I should help out in the house.
Because I do nothing at home except hibernating in my room so I should help out.
This is retarded.
I'm really getting sick and tired of it all.
First she screams and snarls at me.
Next she is all nice when asking me to test the taste of the green bean soup she is cooking.
Third, she starts to nag at me about the clothes again.
Following that, she makes lunch for me and smiles at me.
she is giving mixed signals and I have absloutely no idea on how to return her expression.
I really have no idea what I'm going to do next.
Never mind me.
I think I'm going a little crazy anyway.
Have no idea why I'm eating lesser and lesser each day.
And if you are thinking that I'm having depression,
Think again.
I'm so not having depression.
I'm still alive and kicking.
I'm not even emo-ing much.
Okay, even though I'm still upset and all.
I'm still having a headache.
Hais.
Don't have to worry so much about me.
I wont let myself get sick.
I will just let myself fall sick during my surgery.
Then, in this manner one whole shot sick and stay in bed and emo.
Hais.
I also don't really know what I want now.
Whether I need a hug, or more encouragement for my studies.
Whether I need more scoldings and cussing.
Whether I need some panadols and some time to emo.
Hais..
Life is like shit.
Especially my life.
Feeling the need to de-stress desperately; 2:36 AM;Y
Monday, February 4, 2008
I have no idea what is wrong with me.I've been studying, not alot, IMO.
But i keep having these repeated bouts of blackness.
More than I ever told the rest around me.
Because most of the times, Im aware of what is happening and is able to pause and calm myself down before walking on.
But sometimes, the darkness leap upon me without any prior warning.
Like today, on the stairs I suddenly see nothing.
Knowing its another case of the stupid darkness,
i paused but its seems that my foot had a mind of its own.
If not for Jehanne holdin on to me,
I think I would have tumbled down the stairs.
Gratitude for that girl.
But right now, nothing can describe my fear.
I'm really scared that I'll be blind all over again.
Just like when I'm born and when I cant see the colours of the world.
I don't want that to happen.
I had so many things else to do,
so many others things I want to keep dear and hold dear to me.
I don't want to lose them all.
My friends, my classmates, my fellow GLs,
I don't want anything to happen to me that will cause me to lose sight of them, literally.
I never share it to anyone,
never disclose it to my dearest and closest people surrounding me.
I don't want it to be a burden to them all.
I know I haven't been eating well.
I know that I'm starting to get addicted to paracetamol.
I know that I'm starting to rely more on others rather than on myself.
I know that I'll be sinking alot into my relationship.
I know all these are inevitable.
I know all these are seen by people surrounding me.
Sooner or later, my family will realise it.
I'm emo-ing.
I HATE to be a burden to anyone.
So I seldom emo outside.
I emo heavily at home.
But I'm not that stupid to hurt myself.
Except for inflicting minor pain to myself.
To remind myself that I'm still alive and I will remain alive.
I'm really scared that one day, while walking on the road, I will have the blackness.
And then an accident will happen.
I love my family.
Despite all the arguments and quarrels that we have.
Because I know without you I won't be here.
I love my friends.
Because I know that without their support,
I won't be able to be who I am today.
Because I love them,
I don't want them to share and add onto their burdens.
My point of view.
Nothing more.
I'm really scared.
But I'm confiding in no one,
no one yet.
Only you.
Feeling the need to de-stress desperately; 6:59 AM;Y
Friday, February 1, 2008
Just created this blog because I was at the end of my limits.Have been putting off this project because it was lik so near to my exams and such..
But sometimes I really cant take it anymore.
Been scolding me lik no one's business again.
I'm like trying to study heck!
I'm not playing for once in my entire life, I just got the drive to study.
Then you have to come and mess it all up for me.
I said that i got the motivation to study,
I meant because of the freaking practical test!
Because suddenly I enjoyed doing the practical.
And I also got some quite nice marks.
Why do you have to think that it is because of another person?!
That's the reason why I never liked telling you stuff about my life in school and such.
It is because you are too busybody for your own good.
You think that you are the supreme one in the house.
You never really cared about what daddy thinks.
You think that you are always right.
But you are not,
You have this mindset, that is why everytime I have a quarrel with you,
You think that I think that I'm always correct.
Please lah,
Not everyone thinks like you.
But everytime I want to say that,
I find that you are like so pathetic lah.
That you cant think out of your world.
Everytime things don't go your way,
you would always blame it on us.
Always blaming on those whose surname is chua in this family.
This is like so unfair.
Don't you make mistakes too?
Why is it only that you are allowed to make mistakes,
While the rest of the family is not allowed to make all these mistakes?
But i really cannot stand the way how you can be so fucking crude!
You brought me out of my studying of chemistry to help you with your cooking.
Okay, I don't mind it that much.
Because I know I haven been helping around the house much.
While helping you,
Why on fucking earth do you went bersek and started scolding me?
I'm already helping you and then you just said that all I ever do is stay in my room and not help around the house!
Even when Melvyn is being scolded,
I should have known that its because daddy is hungry and venting anger on him,
And should have automatically went out and help with the cooking.
And not stay in the room and listen to the scoldings and do nothing.
And what kind of useless shit I am.
Hey, I'm human too okay,
I don't care how crude you can be.
And honestly I think you have mood swings or something.
One moment you are okay,
Then the other moment you are screaming your head off at me.
Then the next moment you are talking nice to me again.
There must be something wrong with you.
I have no idea how you knew about Alex,
But can you stop bringing the past up.
Its over between him and me.
I cant stand it anymore.
I had enough!
Feeling the need to de-stress desperately; 10:51 PM;Y